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a kiss is just a kiss..	...my heart was in it

themodern
read my profile sign my guestbook Name: Saphraine Country: United States State: Texas Metro: Dallas Birthday: 1/16/1990 Gender: Female Interests: my dear duke Expertise: art Occupation: Artist Industry: Art Message: message me AIM: MyDeadlyHeart Member Since: 4/27/2004

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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

wow

I doubt anybody reads this but that is kind of the point.

Everything else in my life 10-12 people are completely fully entirely involved with...i need an outlet..this will be it.

Everything has completely changed in my life since the last few posts. for the better.

Reading everything made me think, should i delete them because they remind me of such a hard time in my life. but i decided to keep them, i was a good writer, and it was a comfort knowing i could express things on here no matter how hard they were.

It's been 2 years since i have been on here i couldn't even remember my name and pswd. I like it...the modern i was cool back then.

That boy I said things about back then <--..We have had so many problems and ups and downs and up again...but after 3 1/2 long years crawling, sobbing, and running back to God we have made it!

We are getting married this fall. October 10th. It's amazing to see how God has brought us out of the darkest times in our lives. the darkest of the darkest, the drugs, the sex, the abuse, the yelling, the anger, the hurt, the tears, the screaming...on and on..But it wasn't just him and it wasn't just me, we brought eachother so much pain and happiness that we had to turn to God for the completion to be made complete and now it is.

Cyprus=the best thing i ever did in my life, the happiest time of my life. It changed me more then a boy could, more than a best friend could.

I miss having a best friend (katie), i miss having someone i didn't have to impress, i could be myself around, i could be stupid and goofy and fun and silly with. Someone that knew me for everything i was. Hunter knows me for everything i am but there is something about a best friend you have grown up with, something about a best friend.

We are in a band now..and we are touring and we did it for months before my sister came home, it's hard to have her now. I love her more than anything but i have always felt competition with her, i don't want competition. i want responsibility to be treated like an adult.

thats hard.

-themodern

2:42 AM - 3 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Friday, May 25, 2007

i'm happy now.

with family

with friends

with GOD

with him.

with everything.

i'm happy

12:13 PM - 18 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Friday, February 16, 2007

Do you miss my downfalls?
do you miss my low points
and my tears at hard times?

You MUST miss my smile
and when i laugh.
When everything in that moment is perfect and you can't even find the words.

Do you miss my frustration
My door slamming
and pouting?

you MUST miss my jokes
when i call to see how your day was.
When i bring you food and movies when you're sick.

Do you miss my hang ups
My annoying voice when i get mad?
Do you miss when i raise my voice?

You MUST miss my hugs,
when i'm sad and you're the only one who can cheer me up.
My taste in clothes

Do you miss my ignorance
my mean stare?
Do you miss my mocking attitude?

You MUST miss my kiss,
when i've missed you and i look at you like i've missed you forever.
You must miss my love.
knowing i've never loved anyone else.
You MUST miss when there is no one in the world i want besides you.
When i decided you were perfect for me.
Despite your flaws.
If God can forgive can't we all?
You must miss me a little bit.
and if you don't thats a shame.

Happy valentines day..
I don't hate this holiday..people who hate it are people who have never enjoyed it with someone they love.
It's a day to celebrate Love.. It doesn't even have to be a love between husband and wife, girlfriend and boyfriend, it can be a love with a brother or sister, father to daughter, friends to friends, humans to God.
There are no RULES to Valentines day, Just to love.. and be thankful for people you LOVE, to celebrate love in every way, with anyone you choose.
Celebrate it, have fun with it, care about the ones you really care about. Love the ones you really love.

Happy Valentines day.

1:04 AM - 11 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Thursday, December 28, 2006

blahdudjjwyqidjjaalwoqu

So my life if you haven't noticed isn't perfect. but i'm scared to put too much of my mistakes or my expierences on here. i might be judged, voted a bad person for expressing myself. something that has happened in the past.

I have learned to forgive, I have learned to not be judgemental, to not be dramatic, to listen, and to be open again.

I am tired of taking credit for the blessings i recieve and the grace that has been extended to me.

I am tired of people thinking that our way is the right way, our will be done and no one else'.

I want the Glory, i want the thanks to be given to God.

I wouldn't be alive right now, i wouldn't have hope right now if it wasn't for him.

I am rebuilding my life, i am forgiving those that i need to forgive, and repenting to those i have hurt.

I am trying so hard soo hard to break through this wall i have quickly built around my heart, i am trying to break down this mentality of trust, and the way things should be, i am trying to find love again, and i am trying to let people in that need to be in.

please and i ask only those who are serious and have died to their flesh for God, to pray for me, and to help me persue him, and learn from things that have happened and not just take them for granted.

thank you for every prayer and for not giving up on me like so many people have.

7:45 PM - 10 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Friday, November 10, 2006

UGHA;DUHFA;ISHFD

sadly those words in the last blog haven't changed.

i still feel like i could've done something to stop them..i still feel the pain of being lied to for exactly 10 months and 2 weeks...we celebrated our 1 year as friends..it was hard because i just wanted to be with HIM but i couldn't.

i still miss him holding my hand i still miss him looking at me.

i still miss him saying that he loved me..just knowing he's in the other room.

if you haven't heard, he won't even talk to me now..small talk i guess you could call it..a few words here and there..after two weeks i found out he quit his job, after one he found out i had another..he never asked..i told him.

i had to find out from someone else that he is still in love with me. and he still cares. and every day it's harder and harder for him to not think about me. i had ot hear it from SOMEONE ELSE!

i don't even know if it's true. do i want it to be? more than ever.

but i don't even know why because HE is the one that did this to ME! i didn't do anything wrong i told them, i told them i didn't do anything wrong i told them the hours of lies that he told me, the pain he put me through, i told them..with tears i said it was his fault i am who i am now..yeah...i guess that was wrong but it's true in some way.

i never cheated, lied, thought about another guy while i was with him...i geuss i did the wrong thing by giving him my heart too fast. and i'm supposed to be the one that doesn't trust! not him!!

he even told me 'i can't fucking believe you still want me, i can't FUCKING believe you still fucking love me after everything i fucking put you through' he knows what he did. he knows how much he hurt me..he even said that to me! and then he turns around and in some twisted way he trys to blame it on me.

i'm glad they don't believe him.

i'm glad they know everything is on him..and so they're working on it..

and for some fucked up reason i'm more in love with him now then i think i ever have been..and i'm trying not to be..because i don't want it to be my desire in my heart iw ant it to be GODs but it's so hard..it's hard to push the one person, the one love, the one guy that said he would never do those things to you..aside.

and it sucks because i know that after this...he won't talk to me about the past.

i need to know about the past, i need to know the truth, i still think he kept things from me.

i need to know.

to get over it.

elan...i'm sorry...i'm sorry..i tried to keep him on his throne i did..i tried to keep him safe..i tried to keep him away from the shit that killed you..

he didn't listen. he didn't listen to either of us.

4:20 PM - 3 views - 6 eprops - 3 comments - email it

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